Sex In The Dark

There was a couple who just got married. Their sex life is wonderful. But for some reason, everytime they made love, the husband always insisted in shutting off the lights. After 20 years, the wife turned on the lights and found him holding a vibrator. She went ballistic. "You impotent bastard! How could you have lied to me all these years?!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and calmly said. "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids."

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and i didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “happy birthday.”

I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when i left for the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As i walked into my office, my secretary jane said, “good morning, boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock and then jane knocked on my door and said, “you know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “thanks jane, that’s the greatest thing i’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, jane said, “you know, it’s such a beautiful day… we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I responded, “i guess not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment jane turned to me and said, “boss, if you don’t mind, i’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “happy birthday”.

And i just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked...

A Small But Lovely Story

Marty woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sat down and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotless, clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins and noticed a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove; I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he went to the kitchen and sure enough there was hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Marty asked, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son said, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.

Confused, Marty asked, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and! Breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replied, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

Penguin Slap

The Dilemma

Here's one short story...

A night before their wedding, the guy went to his girlfriend's house. While waiting for his girlfriend at the living room, his girlfriend's hot sister told him, "If you like to have sex with me, I'm upstairs."

He stood there shocked and a bit confused. Then he made up his mind and turned his back to go to his car parked outside. To his surprise, his girlfriend is waiting outside with tears in her eyes saying, "You passed the test. I'm happy to be your wife."

The moral lesson of this story is...

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

What The Mona Lisa Does When The Museum’ s Closed

Pregnant Unwed Daughter

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this 'news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"

Getting Old

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING "MARVELOUSLY MATURE" WHEN.....

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear "snap, crackle, pop" and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Female Brain vs Male Brain

FEMALE BRAIN

MALE BRAIN

The Lucky Joke

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Unusual Request

The sexy little housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came into the room, he would just about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished the repair she paid him and said, "I'm going to make to make a . . . well... unusual request.

But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..."

The repairman could hardly speak, he was so turned on, "Yes yes!" he stammered anxiously-

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..." she continued hesitantly-

"Yes yes!" he nodded affirmatively, tongue tied with desire... when she asked...

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

Funny Babies

Guts Got Out

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband awoke with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

The Bare Truth Of Working Life